The national census is probably one of the most boring forms of adulting many people are legally obligated to do, I’m guessing, but not for me.
You see, I’ve never been included in a census before.
Even though I lived in my stepfather’s house, he didn’t include me in the census because I am not really his son (no concept of full adoption in Islam). My father, on the other hand, didn’t include me in his census data because I didn’t live with him.
By and large, if Islam hadn’t put men on such a high fucking pedestal, and asked my mother for the information, the data they collected would’ve been accurate.
This is why I’ve always said the 1998 census data for Pakistan indicating a population of 132,352,279 is incorrect. The actual number has to be 132,352,277, as it included neither me nor my sister. Thanks for nothing, dads.
Now of course, I should mention that the census 2021 leaflet and code I’ve received today are for the UK where I’m now settled, while the bitterness of not being included comes from Pakistan.
For the 1981 census, I wasn’t born yet, which would have been in Saudi Arabia anyway.
For the 1998 one, my dads excluded me. Assholes.
For the 2017 one, I had already moved to the UK permanently.
This is why after I received this letter I’ve already filled out the form and submitted it, (based on where I’ll be and who will be living at our place on 21st March 2021). I was a bit sad I couldn’t include my unborn daughter just yet, even though we have her name already.
Another reason why I was keen to fill this out ASAP was because I recalled my wife’s pregnancy forms where she listed me as Muslim, my first language as Urdu and diet comprising of halal food, which is all untrue. I have half a mind to sneak into her drawers and fix that ridiculously incorrect data, but let me first take care of what’s in my control.
And now that she was playing it dirty calling me Muslim when I really wasn't, I’ve listed my daughter as having No Religion in the census form. We’ll see how long she can keep up these stories of her magical Allah which my 4 year old has already started to question.
Anyway, if you’re a parent, please make sure all your kids are accounted for. It’s not just about getting the total number right at one point in time, but it also helps local authorities, non-governmental organisations, data scientists and charities figure out important things.
Most importantly, you don’t want your child to hold a grudge against you for the rest of their life so make sure you check your counting.
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